Top 10 Tips for Surviving Dive Bar Bathrooms
Dive bar bathrooms are the Wild West of sanitation—a lawless land where the soap dispenser’s been empty since ‘Nam and the graffiti’s more honest than your therapist. But with the right mindset (and a solid immune system), you can make it out alive. Here’s how:
-
Channel Your Inner Ninja
Step lightly, my friend. That floor hasn’t been mopped since the Carter administration, and those mystery puddles? They’re stickier than your ex’s passive-aggressive texts. Hover like a pro—balance is survival.
-
BYOTP (Bring Your Own Toilet Paper)
Expecting a fully stocked roll is like expecting the bartender to know your name. Pack some TP in your pocket or get creative with the stack of losing scratch-offs you’ve accumulated. Multitasking!
-
Avoid Eye Contact with the Mirror
The glass is smudged with regret, and the flickering fluorescent light will reveal truths you’re not ready to face at 1 a.m. Just wash your hands (or pretend to) and keep moving.
-
Master the Art of the No-Touch Flush
If there’s a foot pedal, congratulations, you’ve hit the dive bar jackpot. If not, use your elbow, a stray bottle cap, or the sheer force of your will. That valve’s a biohazard waiting to ruin your night.
-
Don’t Trust the Soap (If There Even Is Any)
That crusty dispenser might squirt out something that smells like regret and diesel fuel. Stick to the hand sanitizer you smuggled in—or just embrace the “antibacterial vibes” of cheap whiskey.
-
Time Your Visit Like a Tactical Ops Mission
Go early, before the crowd turns the place into a Jackson Pollock painting. Late-night visits are for the brave or the desperate—both come with a side of existential dread.
-
Befriend the Graffiti
The walls are a canvas of drunken wisdom. Need a pep talk? “Dave wuz here ‘98” has seen worse nights than you. Need a laugh? That poorly drawn anatomy lesson’s got your back.
-
Hold Your Breath Like It’s a Competitive Sport
The air in there is 50% stale beer stink, 50% regret, and 100% a test of endurance. Channel your inner free diver and get in, get out—oxygen is overrated anyway.
-
Don’t Investigate the Stalls
Curiosity killed the cat, and it’ll kill your appetite too. Pick the least ominous door, do your business, and don’t ask questions about the weird stains or why there’s a flip-flop in the corner.
-
Laugh It Off or Lose It
You’re in a dive bar bathroom—what did you expect, a spa day? Embrace the chaos, crack a joke to the guy washing his boots in the sink, and chalk it up to a story for the grandkids. You survived; you’re basically a legend now.
Armed with these tips, you’ll strut out of that bathroom like a grizzled vet—unscathed, unshaken, and maybe a little stickier than you’d like. Cheers to that!
While you're here, why not grab a t-shirt or tank top and support your favorite local dive bar.